The Crippled Man Walks to Heaven

Today I felt fear over this deployment for the first time. It just dawned on me that we're going to war. Funny thought to have when you're sitting in Kuwait and home is thousands of miles away. It's hard to take in the image of war when you're eating from a chow hall that supplies eight different types of juice boxes, has an espresso machine, a sandwhich bar, a pasta bar, a taco bar, and a dessert bar... all on top of the regular food at the front of the line. To us, most of what we see now is down time.


The FOB we're in now feels no different than the training forts at Fort Polk, Irwin or Dix. The weather is hotter, sure, and when I call home there's a seven hour difference between me and Heather... but for the most part all of this felt just like more of the same training environment we've gone through before. At Dix, when we drove down the road from the FOB we could simply switch on our flashers and the role-player insurgents knew we were "out of play." Here, there is no such thing. There is no "out of play." Everything here is real. All of our rounds we load into the magazine have a green tip. All and any explosion we encounter is meant to take a life. We're not playing Soldier anymore. We are Soldiers.

I woke up to this today. I woke up because suddenly Maj. Spagel was talking about sending us out on missions, and having us live with different Brigade Combat Teams for periods of month at a time. Snyder and Conrad will be in a camp just outside of Bagdad, only difference is they're tasked to an infantry unit that's filled with Warriors who know how to take lives. Yes we're public affairs. But we will bleed as any other warrior.

Snyder and Conrad's new brigade summarized their mission to just a few words, "To find as many enemy as possible and kill them." That's it. Their Colonel is a guy who looks like he could chew bullets. Hard eyes and cold fists. The first words he spoke to Snyder and Conrad were, "By joining our unit, you are now bad-ass mother*******." Which meant, you are one of us now. You chew bullets if we tell you to chew them, and kick in doors if we need you to bust them in.

Part of me feels guilty because, as of right now my mission, is the Battle Field Circulator... what this means is I will be riding around in helicopters with the Division commander (Major General Oates) and serve as his own personal photographer and media relations personnel. I will get to meet key leaders, Sheiks, political advisers on both sides of the war efforts. And I wonder, where will I be sleeping and eating while my fellow soldiers bundle themselves in cots and eat preservative-filled meals out of MRE bags? Think of where a General might eat. Think of where he might sleep. If I'm to follow him around, will they place me on a cot? Will they feed me a meal that won't expire until every other creature on this earth has gone extinct?

That's an intimidating position, being with a General at all times, but how intimidating can it be compared to hanging around with soldiers who cuss and spit and kill because it's now their way of life? I thank God, in a sense, I don't have to be immersed in that world directly but that's borderline cowardliness on my part.

I like to think I could be a hero. Everyone here wishes he could be one. Everyone. We wouldn't have joined the Army otherwise. But I don't know if I have it in me to tough it out the way these guys will have to. Just tonight I felt my nerves twist in knots just because it took me a half hour to load up my internet connection. Could a bunch of infantrymen take me seriously? Could I?

I'm no hero. I'm no saint. I'm no fool, either. I know what I am capable of (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and I know what I'm not capable of. If I needed to, yes, I would be able to shoot the enemy. I love my wife more than these fundamentalists claim to love their Allah, and I will make sure I will see my love and they will see... well, I have a feeling it won't be Allah they'll see. And I'm sorry for this twisted type of mentality and thinking. I don't mean to scare anyone, but I do have to be realistic about what's going on.

I know darn well that every one of my prayers goes out to God each night, and I constantly pray for Heather whose faith in the Lord seems stronger and stronger by the day. I pray for her family, her parents, her sisters, her brother who is also in the military and especially for our new nephew Cayden. I pray for my own family, my parents who seem to work harder than ever, for my sisters, my brother, and baby Mica. My prayers expand and go out to every one of our church members at Providence, Rut especially who has been a great encouragement this entire time. I pray for my friends, and for friends lost because of paths crossed and uncrossed. And on top of it all I pray for the Soldiers in my unit and those fighting against Terrorism every day as if it was their life... because it is.